9 January 2009
Dear Ricky..............
Today is the anniversary of 9th January 1976......
The first time ever I saw your face......
The day we met by chance at a party and danced to Albatross
The day we fell in love at first sight....and knew we were meant to be
I miss you and I'll love you forever.
xxxx
14 December 2008
Our first Christmas together
My darling Ricky,
I cant believe the girls and I have survived two years without you. We somehow just keep going on, I don't know how.
Christmas will always be painful but today I am thinking of all the happy ones we had together over the years, together and with the girls.
Our love is forever
'a conjoined past, imperishably present'
The words of this song say it better than me.
We miss you so very very much. xxxx
Who can say for certain
Maybe youre still here
I feel you all around me
Your memories so clear
Deep in the stillness
I can hear you speak
Youre still an inspiration
Can it be (? )
That you are mine
Forever love
And you are watching over me from up above
Fly me up to where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile to know youre there
A breath aways not far
To where you are
Are you gently sleeping
Here inside my dream
And isn't faith believing
All power can't be seen
As my heart holds you
Just one beat away
I cherish all you gave me everyday
because you are mine
Forever love
Watching me from up above
And I believe
That angels breathe
And that love will live on and never leave
Fly me up
To where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile
To know you're there
A breath aways not far
To where you are
I know you're there
A breath aways not far
To where you are
9 October 2008
Today should have been our 26th wedding anniversary but it was not to be.
I have cried an ocean for you Ricky, I miss you so much , I miss being a wife.
Today as I think of that day in1982, which will always be the best day of my life, I am thinking too of the day you proposed to me. We were out on the bike and you pulled over and said Let's stop here a minute Lynny..... You held my shoulders and turned me to face you and then flipped up first your visor then mine before saying 'Will you marry me?' I said Yes of course and then we each turned our heads in opposite directions so that we could have one of our 'helmet kisses'.
Your handsome face framed by a helmet is a sight so familiar to me that is etched in my mind for ever, I must have seen that view thousands of times and it is the image I want to see when I think of you.
'A conjoined past imperishably present.'
I am not gone but merely walk within you
I will love you forever Ricky.
May 2008
As we approach seventeen months without him, the loss of Ricky still hurts so much and every day is a struggle, but the girls and I are thankful for the unending support, love and care we are given by my amazing family and my dear friends (who are all dealing with their own grief too). I am surviving, and, as always, I'm trying to be the best mother I can to the precious daughters Ricky and I brought into the world.
There are so many practical things I miss that Ricky used to do. I'm not as confident as him at organising car maintainenance or as neat at mowing the lawn or as accurate at filling the bird feeder or as quick at building flat pack furniture or as precise at loading the dish washer or as quick at replacing broken loo seats and light bulbs. I have had to do so many new things. I watched him closely and learned many things from him over our three decades together. I feel sure Ricky would be proud of my efforts. As I carry out these everyday tasks, I feel him with me. I hear him every day.
The bench I commissioned for Ricky has come out of winter storage and for the second year running can be found by the lake at Furzey Gardens. We spent so many happy hours at Furzey with the girls.
Thank you to my very special vicar Julian at St John's Church, Rownhams, for allowing me to choose a personal site for Richard's ashes and to all of our wonderful loving family and friends who attended the beautiful and moving service in March. It made a difficult day for the girls and me special. My brother-in-law Paul read so beautifully a poem I selected and the girls organised the playing of a recording of 'The Lark Ascending' perfectly. Ricky loved that piece of music and it sounded heavenly in the church. I feel Ricky would have been proud of me for managing to say the words I had written. He would have been proud too of our daughters, as I am, for their involvement. It was a very special moment when Laura helped me lower the casket into the ground and we all placed our roses with messages attached on top of it.
26 February 2008
Its your birthday and as always my head is filled with your voice, Im remembering happy days when you came home from work on the 26th Feb and the girls and I were waiting with your birthday tea...and party hat.
Im remembering all my secret wrapping and excitement over special things I found for you over the years, Im remembering your devoted 'Daddy's joy' at special things the girls made for you. Im remembering us all waiting for your reaction to our gifts and waiting for that special smile which lit up your face and made your eyes sparkle.
I have made us a special heart in the garden, our initials are linked as they always will be.
Here is a poem I found that says all I want to say...with my love
If I be the first of us to die,
Let grief not blacken long your sky.
Be bold yet modest in your grieving. There is a change but not a leaving.
For just as death is part of life,
The dead live on forever in the living.
And all the gathered riches of our journey,
The moments shared, the mysteries explored,
The steady layering of intimacy stored,
The things that made us laugh or weep or sing,
The joy of sunlit snow or first unfurling of the spring,
The wordless language of look and touch,
The knowing, each giving and each taking,
These are not flowers that fade,
Nor trees that fall and crumble,
Nor are they stone,
For even stone cannot the wind and rain withstand
And mighty mountain peaks in time reduce to sand.
What we were, we are. What we had, we have.
A conjoined past imperishably present.
So when you walk the wood where once we walked together
And scan in vain the dappled bank beside you for my shadow,
Or pause where we always did upon the hill to gaze across the land,
And spotting something, reach by habit for my hand,
And finding none, feel sorrow start to steal upon you,
Be still.
Close your eyes. Breathe.
Listen for my footfall in your heart.
I am not gone but merely walk within you.
14 February 2008
Dear Ricky....
Its Valentines day and I miss you
I wrote your name on the beach ,
I know the tide will wash it away
but its written in my heart too
and nothing will ever wash that away.
Love you forever.
Lynny
14 December 2007
My darling Ricky...
I miss you so very much
I can't believe it's been
one whole year without you,
one whole year since you had to go
twelve months Ive been a widow instead of a wife
twelve months our girls have not had their Dad
this has truly been the worst year of our lives
but....today, the fourteenth December
I don't want to think about the suffering you endured,
or the horror of letting you go.
I don't want to think of our daughters and their pain
at the loss of the most wonderful father in the world.
I don't want to think of the ocean of tears i have cried for you
I want to think of the summer of '76 when we met and fell in love.
I want to think of the joy and laughter we shared over our 31 years together.
I want to think of your face as we marvelled at each of our new born daughters
and watched them grow.
I want to remember happy family times.
I want to remember the thousands of hours we spent together travelling on motorbikes in the sun and the rain.
I want to remember the very best of us
and the special private times we shared
I couldn't have got through this year without the love and unending support of my family and I thank them from the depths of my heart.
I know how much they all miss you and the pain they have felt at losing you.
We all will love and miss you forever Ricky
All my love,
Lynny
xxxxx
8 October 2007
My darling Ricky: Love of my life
Twenty five years since I walked down the aisle
And you turned to me with that special smile
Twenty five years since we were made one
And believed our lives had just begun
Now I stand alone on our silver day
Thinking about us and where we should be today
Wish I could turn back Time to that different life
Where you are still my husband and I am still your wife
I’ll always treasure private memories
We shared, just us two together
I know that no one can take those from me,
Not now, not ever
I will love and miss you for ever
Lynny
14 May 2007
My darling Ricky..
Five months today since you left this world and I became a widow.
Five months since I watched you take your last breath and felt my world collapse around me.
Five months of feeling sad and angry every day that you were robbed of your future....our family future
Five months of struggling alone as a single parent and trying my best to console and cherish our daughters, doing my best to care for them in this surreal new, frightening world without you, getting it right and getting it wrong.
Five months of trying to do all your jobs as well as mine. I've got so much to learn, I couldn't even find the electric meter....I stood in the garage and cried out for you to come back....but all I heard was silence .
Sometimes I think that I just can't go on but I know I have to because our girls are grieving and I must try to be strong for them, as they try to be for me.Their courage is inspiring. They are all so beautiful and I am so heartbroken that you can't watch them growing up. It's not fair Ricky, it's just not fair.
You were so very brave, my Richard the Lionheart, and we both agreed that we would not give up the fight. You told me that it was worse for me than you but nothing can be worse than knowing that time is running out. You didn't want to talk about dying and I didn't either, we knew each other so well.
No one can ever take away my memories of our many many years together...no one.
You were and always will be the love of my life and I hear your voice so clearly and so often that I have to believe you are watching over us all.
I have bought your ashes home now and it brings me some peace.
I miss you so much Ricky Raccoon, so very very much.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
26 February 2007
I'm thinking of you on your birthday Ricky, it feels so strange not to be wrapping a gift for you and writing a card.
I loved you at the beginning.....
and I loved you at the end
...in fact I will always love you, and no one but us will ever know the depth of our feelings for each other.
All my love,
Lynny
22 February 2007
Monday the 26th of February is going to be a very difficult day.
It is Richard's 50th birthday and in a parallel world there would have been a big party and lots of laughing... and Ricky would have woken up to hugs from me and his beloved daughters....
but this is the real world so that isn't going to happen.
This happy picture was taken ten years ago on Rickys 40th birthday. Smiling Julie on Ricky's left also died from cancer.
It was such a happy evening ,we all laughed so much. Julie made Ricky a cake that looked like a race track.
All I can think now is.... thank God that none of us can see into the future.
Happy birthday Ricky, I'm thinking of you every day.
14 February 2007
Valentines Day
This year too painful to bear.
The second month anniversary of Rickys death.
better to remember a few years ago...
it was .February 14th
No card for me in the morning
no rose..
Sound of a muffled 'bye Lynny' from under a helmet
Sound of the bike engine disappearing,
5pm.....
Front door vibrates as massive bike returns,
key in the door,
Kitchen filled with his presence and the smell of leather bike jacket
Familiar sight of helmet and gloves being removed,
Big grin....
'Whats up Lynny?'
'Do you know what day it is today Ricky?'
Blue twinkly eyes...
cheeky grin...
'Unzip my jacket for me....'
Single red rose diagonal accross his chest
bit squashed but still beautiful
smiles exchanged full of love
'Thats alright then Ricky'...........................
No red rose this year
No healthy husband
no twinkly eyed smile
no cheeky grin
just me and the girls and our aching hearts.